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This feeling..

Have you ever had this feeling that you were called to more? More than the ordinary can give you. Have you ever just looked around and saw nothing that brought interest to you? Do you constantly feel as if there is something different about you? Something that you can’t even place you finger on? 

If so, you are in the same place as me. Constantly wondering what you need to do to find your place in life. What steps need to be taken? What risks do I need to take? You wonder if you being different is dangerous to you future, then you think again if it even matters as long as you’re happy. If so, you are rarely fulfilled by what everything around you has to give, you aren’t unhappy, you aren’t disappointed, you just have this inkling that there is more out there. 

I am constantly searching for that thing that sets me apart, the place I belong, or the skill I have yet to uncover that might be what makes me different and sets me apart.

Do you watch movies, or read books, and feel as if you belong there more than you do here, or feel as if a character is living the life you dream you’re supposed to be living, but it is impossible because it is fiction and does not exist. Have you been there? Because I have.

My dreams haunt me because I feel more accepted there than I do here. Thats normal though, since I create them out of wishes and memories, right? They feel so real. They are what makes me feel as if I do not belong here. How do I make them stop? Its as if Im going crazy inside my own head. 

I just want to make a difference here. Be the difference. Find what makes me different. Live a life that is different. I was something out of the ordinary. Am I ordinary? I must not be, right? I don’t hear much of other people thinking like this. Thinking they blend in with everyone else in a magnitude of ways, and do not feel special, though they know they have something about them that also makes them very different. Just different.


Day 211

Well I was supposed to write this on July 30th but here I am on August 3rd writing it! Oh well!

On January 31st The Daily Post asked us to predict our life in 190 days. I was not using WordPress then, yet ironically I though about it a lot on that day.

January 31st was, my best friend, Eric’s birthday; At this point in the year I wasn’t in the best place, though he was my best friend I was slowly loosing the title as his. You see we were best friends who took the risk of being more, and in our case the odds were against us. His birthday was marking exactly 2 weeks since he ended things to get back together with his ex.

Shockingly on this day I was still quite hopeful we would be friends. On January 31st I thought a lot about this time of year, mainly because Eric and I fell in love with the same college, University of Northern Colorado. So on that day I predicted that Eric and I would be shopping for our dorms together and lecturing each other about not forgetting this and that, because thats the type of friends we were. I thought about all I time I would spend with his family since we talked about hopefully hanging out at his uncles during the college year and sweet talking his dad into letting me go hunting with with them as well. But the main thing I predicted was the fact that we would still be best friends despite what had happened.

Well today is day 214 and even with all my attempts throughout those 190 days to keep this friend I cared so dearly about in my life, I managed to lose him. In 7 days Eric will be starting college at Arizona State University, and 18 days after that I will be leaving to attend Azusa Pacific University.

So you can say my reality is quite different from my predictions! Though they are different, don’t be mistaken in thinking I am unhappy! Yes, I miss my once best friend, but I am looking forward to all the things APU will bring me and the opportunities that lie ahead of me! At times I am overwhelmed with how different my life ended up, but I am grateful and do not try to understand. Comprehending why my life has ended up as it has is not important to me because I trust that God is working in my life and this path has for more for me than the one I believed was best. Soon it will all be clear why God took me down this path and I will be ever more grateful than I am now.